long and useless

Title: "Four Gifts Sakura Got From Other People and One She Didn't"

Author: demeter918

Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Shonen Jump, Masashi Kishimoto, and associated partners and companies. Not mine, alas.

Fandom: Naruto

Character/Pairing: Sakura/Kakashi

Rating: 13+

Word Count: 3770

A/N: Written for tenshiyaki in the KakaSaku Gift Exchange.

These were her prompts: snow, hot cocoa, presents, apple cider, couples on Christmas, Icha Icha Paradise Holiday Special. I'm not sure how your prompts turned into this; I started with something completely different and it somehow warped into this atrocity. My apologies if this does not satisfy!



-*-

Sakura stares at the cup of cocoa on her desk. And frowns. "Kotetsu?"

A head pops out of the stacks, a face suffused with misery and long-suffering. "Yes?"

"Who put this on my desk?"

"What?"

She gestures to the cup. "The cocoa."

"Um..."

"You don't know who came in and put this here? It's still hot, it can't have been long!" She exclaims. Sakura pokes the styrofoam in suspicion. When nothing explodes, mains, pops out, transforms, breaks, screams, speaks, laughs, sobs, or self-destructs, she gives the liquid a quick dab. Her finger breaks the surface and a family of rings bounce out and back in. It's warm and thick, it cools slow and feels like soft cream. Sakura sniffs at the drop on her finger with caution and a little bit of curiosity. It's cocoa, as far as she can tell. She tests it on the tip of tongue, ready to spit it out if anything feels out of the ordinary.

Well. As far as Sakura can taste, it's a lovely cup of extra-thick cocoa. And it's even hot. She feels Kotetsu's anxious eyes on her as she finally lifts the rim to her lips. A pink tongue reaches out and swirls gently around the edge. Sakura's eyes flutter shut. Oh. My. God, she thinks. A screw loosens in her head and slides into a sticky, delicious abyss. "Where the hell did this come from? I'm buying a hundred boxes of it."

"Um..."

Sakura doesn't hear the rest, because she takes a big gulp of the stuff and is promptly delivered into the equivalent of a food orgasm.

"Oh my GOD."

Kotetsu looks a little uncomfortable. And shifts in his chair.


-*-

Sakura shrieks as Kakashi escapes the third time this week. He slips out from her fingers, dances over his bedsheets and then darts to the right when she lunges to the left. He flips out the window backwards and she almost destroys the hospital wall in frustration. She leans out the window, hangs out almost halfway and screams in a voice loud enough to startle Tsunade in her tower.

"Next time, Kakashi-sensei! NEXT TIME I'll chain you to the bed and you'd better believe I'll infuse it with chakra! MY chakra!"

She shakes a fist at his back and then slumps to the floor and plans dark deeds and destroys the hospital wall anyways. It's not like she can't dock it out of his mission pay, HA.


-*-

Ino stares at the, the, the thing sitting outside her flower shop.

It's made of snow. That's the only thing she can tell about it and that there is some sort of vague shape beneath the random branches stuck in at all angles. A visionary work, it is not. More like a blinding picture, Ino thinks in her Ino-way. She sees a card propped up beneath a branch and opens it to see, an armful of irises, a fistful of lilies, and a single daffodil. There's a few wrinkled bills, old and faded colors creasing the edges like burned leaves. She counts, finds it short by several hundred coins. But Ino figures the-whoever can pay when she/he/it picks up the flowers.

To say she's baffled is to say then moon is round.

But Ino is pretty much the best flower shop girl, like, ever and she goes around the store, takes an armful of irises, a handful of lilies and a single daffodil. She arranges them the to the best of her ability, all the while thinking that it truly is the ugliest arrangement she's ever had the displeasure of making. She purses her lips, looks over the bending petals, over the vibrant colors. The colors clash, just a little. But she figures this isn't her decision anyways, and hey, she gets paid for it, right? She then wonders about who this is for. How is she going to deliver it" What she should do next?

Ino looks at the card again for clues and notices a tiny, tiny sentence scrawled at the bottom. It's written in a cramped, heavy hand style that seems vaguely familiar. It takes her a few minutes to decipher the chicken scratch. She squints and realizes it says, "Look behind you."

Ino screams and whirls around, a kunai out and brandished in her hand within critical instants. If someone thinks they can sneak up on her, greatest kunoichi of her generation, they have something coming right into their eye sockets. But there's no one there. She stares at empty space, pauses, thinks for a moment, and then whirls back at the arrangement.

Which is gone. Nada, zilch, sayonara. There's not a single lily to be seen, not a daffodil to scream at.

But this is Ino. She screams anyways. "Fucking cheap BASTARD! You shorted me!"


-*-

"And then it disappears, I swear to Inari! It disappeared right in front of my eyes!"

Ino is irate and flustered, all at the same time, enough so that she takes the time out of her day to rush to the hospital to drag Sakura out for a two-hour lunch. She then complains, loudly, whenever the subject comes up. Which is every two minutes and twelve seconds, but who's counting anyways? Certainly not Sakura.

She gives Sakura the third degree. Does she know anyone who can whisk flowers from right out under a kunoichi's nose?

"Well..."

"AND the guy stiffed me. Can you believe the nerve of that bastard? He stiffed me! Me!"

Sakura pauses. "Almost sounds like something Kakashi-sensei would do," she jokes.

The look on Ino's face gives the impression that she's considering this and Sakura rolls her eyes. "No, Ino. I don't think it's him. For one thing; what in the world is Kakashi-sensei going to do with all those flowers?"

Ino doesn't deign to answer, but launches into another complaint since Sakura happens to be here to listen.

Sakura would sigh, but that would mean something else for Ino to complain about so she listens with all the girlish affection she can.


-*-

Sakura gazes at the flower arrangement on her table and then promptly freaks out. Her chakra levels rise, she manipulates her adrenaline into a steady flow, her eyes dilate to see in the dusk proper, even gives herself a mental scrub to heighten acuity. There's a goddamn vase with an armful of irises, a handful of lilies and a single daffodil.

It's...

It's...

It's... really ugly. Sheesh, whoever thinks irises and daffodils go together has a bit of a screw loose. Or maybe they're half-blind. Either way, Sakura senses no danger, so she sheathes her weapons (ooh, so the senbon Genma gave her last Christmas does come in handy after all), reigns in her chakra, divides her adrenaline and sends it coursing back to her glands. She turns on a light and undilates her eyes. There's no one in the room, not even a sign of someone having been in the room.

It's a little creepy. But, hey, flowers. Besides. Now that Sakura thinks of it rationally, any shinobi worth their salt would have been able to break into her apartment with little to no trouble. It's not like she does anything beyond the basic locking and illusion jutsus.

She decides to just enjoy the flowers and maybe coerce Naruto and Sai into hunting down who it is.


-*-

Ibiki knows he should have stayed in bed that day.

On his desk (his desk! His sacred desk!) is the blueprint for a complicated-looking pair of handcuffs. Not just any handcuffs; they're nicely-padded, obviously for the sinful and pleasurable uses. They'd be useless for standard interrogation tactics and Ibiki scorns the mind that has dropped to its balls for amoral purposes. He's pretty sure he knows who this is and he's pretty sure he knows who it's for and they sure will burn in damnation for it all.

He sighs. And gets to work. It's not like he can say no to the guy.

At least, he consoles himself, it's not a riding crop.


-*-

"Hey, look! Sakura, they're handing out free apple cider!"

Ino squeals and drags Sakura toward a table surrounded by what seems to be half of Konoha, all enjoying a free cup of warm apple cider. Sakura sniffs the air and looks into the large bowl of rich, amber liquid. There's a generous amount of cinnamon in it. She sniffs again. Grins. And more than a few drops of whiskey, if she smells it right. She takes her paper cup and sips at the warming loveliness. Everyone around her is laden with bags and presents, and there's a general feeling of festivity in the air.

It's lucky Sakura enjoys the season or she'd puke right out into the snow and make some nice snow cones.

She swirls her tongue around the edge of the cup and feels a great warmth spread through her stomach. Sakura thinks, this must be what getting drunk is like. Maybe. "This was a really good idea, Ino. I can't believe I put off shopping as long as I did."

Ino snorts. "I figured. I made a bet with Tenten that if you're anything like you were last year, you totally hadn't even started shopping yet."

"It's not like I mean to do that!" Sakura exclaims. "It's just so sneaky, it comes up on me like a bad joke."

"Forehead, if you think Christmas is a joke, then trust me, you've got worse problems than bad jokes." Ino pokes Sakura in the shoulder and then shivers. "You'd think they'd figure out a genjutsu to make it warmer or something."

Sakura holds her tongue; she knows Ino has one of those homicidal attachments to all the winter festivities. Though she isn't quite as bad as Temari can be. One would think a country populated by sand and sun would have a difficult time with winter holidays but Temari is a true fanatic when it comes to trees (three in her house) and food (last count, Sakura knows a hundred and twenty-three people going to her party.)

"Hey, look over there! Kurenai, yo Kurenai! Yoohoo!" Ino calls over the cacophony of the crowd and Kurenai's black head turns to see who's calling her name so loudly. She has a little girl by the hand and Sakura takes the moment to study Ino's face. Her friend speaks little of Asuma, less of her genin days, and changes the subject when either arises. Sakura guesses it's normal. It's the same for her, after all.

"Hey, Ino. Say hello to Aunt Ino, Asuzu." Asuzu laughs and reaches up for a hug. Ino picks the little girl up and whirls her around until Asuzu's laughter turns to squawks of nausea.

"Oops, forgot you get motion sickness, Asuzu!" Ino sets her down, opens her bag and grabs a kunai. "Here, a present for you."

Asuzu squeals and looks to her mom for permission. Kurenai nods and Asuzu immediately starts whirling it on afinger.

Kurenai turns to Sakura and asks, "Sakura, I was wondering if you've figured out your secret admirer?"

"Huh?" Sakura and Ino say at the same time.

"I heard about the cocoa and the flowers."

A chin drops. "I didn't tell anyone but Naruto and Sai about the flowers!"

"Who do you think I heard it from?"

Ino shrieks, "You told them before you told me! Traitor!"

While Sakura knows Sai is probably just trying to be more sociable by spreading gossip and being more talkative. She knows he doesn't mean what everyone thinks it means. He's improving, he really is. But the next time she sees him, she's going to plant her fist in his face. With no gloves.


-*-

"Hmmmm."

Jiraiya considers the request. It's not wild, nothing he hasn't done done before. But it's a bit kinky, isn't it? And he wonders whether Tsunade is going to have his head for this. He imagines her face reddening, sees her fists clench, hears the breath of her angry shouts, and even feels the whistling air right before her feet connects with his head. It'd be like a stone slamming into his face at a few hundred miles an hour.

"Hmmmm."

He takes brush to paper and then grins. He has a very special ink that he's saved just for this occasion.


-*-

Sakura frowns. Presses her hand to the bleeding cut on his neck. "I'm not sure how you can be so blasé about this, Kakashi-sensei. Three centimeters to the left and it would have severed the carotid artery in your neck."

He laughs. "Luckily it didn't."

She rolls her eyes. "Yes, but here you are. In the hospital. Again." She looks pointedly at the wrist binds she has on him. "And they're chakra-infused so don't even think about escaping."

Kakashi creases an eye. "Why would I ever want to escape from you?"

"Only like the last thirty five times."

"Well, you were coming at me with a needle. I don't like needles."

She slaps in on the uninjured shoulder. "Five times ago, it was only an eye check-up! You weren't even hurt! And you still ran away you big baby."

“Well, I heard a kitty scratching at the door and I don't like cats."

"EXCUSES!" Sakura raises a hand to punch him on the (uninjured) shoulder again but there's a flurry of movement and she finds Kakashi behind her, a hand cupping her throat, his other arm around her waist and all she can think is, how did the bastard get out of my cuffs?

"You didn't think I'd forget the pomade, would you?" He laughs, presses his masked lips to the top of her head and flies out of the room, backwards, for the thirty-sixth time.

Sakura thinks she'll get stronger cuffs next time. Next time, for sure. And maybe she'd knock him out for good measure.


-*-

Before Sai can say anything, Sakura pummels him into the dirt and forces him to say, "Sakura, you are the queen of queens and I bow to your super amazing ninja abilities."


-*-

There are so many people at Temari's fete, Sakura doesn't feel lonely at first. For one, Ino doesn't have a date. ("Is your secret admirer here? C'mon, you must know! TELL ME!")

For another, neither do most of the attendees. But as the night draws on, she notices that people are starting to pair off (curses!) and there are a few expected pairings (oh look, aren't Naruto and Hinata so cute?) and a few unexpected ones (ohmigod, is that Kotetsu dancing for Anko?). Sakura hangs around the fringes, notices that Kakashi is so-very-typically not around and grouses with Ino.

But she can't grouse very long because Chouji imbibes an obscene amount of alcohol and gets ridiculously drunk. It looks like he has a cherry for a head (well, if the cherry is a mutant version). He stands atop a table, declares his love for Ino and grilled meats and how he might just love Ino more than grilled meat, and Ino tackles him. At first, Sakura thinks it's out of mortification, but then she hears a good deal of sucking from across the table.

The two collapse into a drunken pile of kisses and everyone tactfully steps over them for the remainder of the party.

"This is the pits," she declares to the next nearest female.

Tenten nods in agreement. She eyes the aloof Neji with exasperation and stops Lee from killing the karaoke machine every other song.

"I could just vomit, this is so sappy."

The weapon's expert turns, very slowly, and looks at Sakura's overly bright eyes, brighter cheeks, and the growing violence in her popping veins. "Um... I think Lee needs to be. Over there. Right now. Bye!" Tenten stands up, drags the drunk Lee after her and kicks a surprised Neji in the shin as she exits, stage right.

Sakura ignores the departure with an unusual aplomb. It's enough so that Genma sidles up to her with a lecherous grin on his face and his hand finds itself a little too close to her rear. Then his face finds itself a little too close to the snack table and his nose is snorting expensive soft cheeses. Temari is there in seconds and smacks him around a little and Sakura decides now is a really good time to leave.

It's nice and cold out and there's hardly a soul on the streets. The snow is falling in soft, pretty flakes and it's almost nice. Almost. Sakura's pretty aware that she's alone and by herself and single and dateless and sexless and... well, anyways. She should have just taken Genma home with her and chained him to the bed. He'd make a nice snuggle if nothing else.

Along the way, she passes a bridge. It's the same bridge Team 7 used to wait at. The years have given it a fresh coat of red paint and it shines through a layer of white. She stops at the crest and brushes the snow off the railing and leans over to look at the water. It's not quite so cold to freeze over, so it's just a rushing torrent of icy water. Sakura stares at it for a little bit, takes a few minutes to remember Team 7 and Sasuke, and then moves onward. (When Sasuke is done with his emo period, she's sure they'll all end up back here again. Maybe.)

Sakura stamps the snow off her shoes, shakes the snow off her clothing, and then enters her unheated... waitaminute. It's nice and warm; there's even a fire going in... the middle of her living room floor. Sakura stares at the safely contained fire with horror and then sees the door to her bedroom is ominously open.

She bursts in, kunai in hand, chakra in fist, and shouts, "Who the fuuuuuuu..." and her voice dies away in pure, horrified shock.

Kakashi is naked on her bed, with a red ribbon tied around his OHMIGOD Sakura shrieks and whirls around to face away from the sight. "Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod, what are you doing, Kakashi-sensei!"

He blinks. "It's a Christmas present. From me to you." He sounds like it's obvious. Sakura doesn't think it really is that obvious.

"No, you, you, you get dressed, ohmigod, you're on my bed, naked!"

"That's the point."

She hears him rustle around and in a moment of panic, she shouts, "don't you dare move, you pervert!"

"That's also the point." The rustling stops, but she can hear the amusement in his voice.

She closes her eyes and turns around so that she's not speaking at her door. It feels kind of stupid. Her eyes are determinedly closed. "What are you doing?"

"I'm here to have lots of hot and kinky sex with you."

There must have been something in the punch. She's hallucinating. "What?"

"If you want, I'd like to taste you."

"What?"

"And then, if you don't mind, I'd like you to suck me off. Just for starters, of course."

There's about thirty tomatoes missing and they're all staining Sakura's face the brightest cherry red that can be. "You, you, you."

"Me and you. But if you want, I can do some henges."

She finally opens her eyes and looks at him, butt naked and lying in repose on her frilly white sheets. Sakura twitches. She avoids looking at the red-wrapped... "Okay. You want hot and kinky sex."

"Yes, please. Lots of it."

"And why do you think I want it?" She asks, a dangerous note in her voice.

Kakashi considers this, his mask wrinkling up. "Because you've been in my sex fantasies for about three months now and I figured, why not go all out for it?"

There's a moment of silence. "Oh." Then, "so all the times I've chained you to the hospital bed...?"

"Kinky sex games, right?"

"And all the times I complained about my dating life?"

"You want a guy like me, right?"

"And... how does this make you the man I'll be sleeping with?" There must have been a lot of alcohol in her punch. Strange, she didn't taste much beyond the whiskey shooters she did.

"Because I brought handcuffs and a special present?" He brings out the special handcuffs Ibiki made and dangles it in front of her nose. "I had Ibiki make it special for me."

Sakura is pretty sure her brain just fell into a ditch at the idea of Ibiki making the handcuffs with that infernal smirk on his face. Will she ever be able to face him again? She finds her voice. "And, the special present?"

Kakashi pulls out a bright orange book, glitter all along the spine. “From Jiraiya. Icha Icha Paradise Holiday Special. Only one of its kind. Look, the pictures were made with special ink."

They're special all right. They're so special that Sakura squeaks. The images in the book are moving, slithering, humping, bumping, grinding, shaking, bouncing, riding... she swallows. "Oh. I see." She tries not to see; the images are going to be burned onto her retina for ages to come.

"So..." Kakashi smiles. Hopefully. "“Are you ready for hot, kinky sex that'll blow your mind away?"

Sakura can't have sex with him! "No!"

But she hasn't had sex in months. "Um, wait."

He's her teacher! "I mean..."

He's also really hot. And single. And available. Really available. "Can't we... uh."

And it's not like he's that much older than her now. And she's not his student anymore. And she's a medic in her own right. And she's participated in ANBU. And she's had sex so it's not like he'd be her first. Right?

"We should... I think we should have a cup of cocoa first!"

The silence in the room is kind of deafening. Sakura wonders whether she should have said coffee. Coffee is more of a 'normal' thing. She should have said coffee. Curses!

Kakashi smiles. He reaches under her bed and brings up a bag of cocoa. "I have a bag right here." He gets up from the bed, Sakura turns around in a hurry, she hears him dress, and his hand touches, lightly, the small of her back. "Lets have a cup of cocoa."

His one visible eye crinkles up into a smile and if she squints, she can see his lips curve too. His mask is still there, and Sakura still doesn't know what exactly is happening, but she figures, hey, she's a shinobi. The very definition of their lives iscarpe diem, ne?

“Yeah. A cup of cocoa.” Then some... stuff, she thinks.

And they do.