Awesome!

Now I don't have to see the movie or read the book, right?

Have you seen I Twilight was ten times shorter and 100 times more honest?

PETER FACINELLI

Kristen's been bitten! She'll be turned into a vampire within minutes unless you suck the venom out! I can't do it for some reason or another.

ROBERT PATTINSON

Since the whole novel this is based on is just Mormon propaganda for abstinence and bloodsucking is a metaphor for sex, what exactly is this advocating?

PETER FACINELLI

Look, all I know is that even though it's going to be REALLY HARD, you're just going to have to PULL OUT of her before CLIMAX. The climax of the movie, I mean.

He DOES. It's very DISSATISFYING.

Also, I must confess that I will be writing some Twilight fanfiction. Well, don't look at me like that! All I wanted was some Fleur/Rosalie bikini mud-wrestling in a decent HP crossover! And so far, Charley Weasley has misplaced a dragon that Carlisle decides to adopt because it's bound to survive Emmett's playfulness, Edward resents being reminded of his failed exchange student experience, and Esme has named the dragon Marmaduke. :)

For my next project, I want to do a Twilight/Harry Dresden crossover BECAUSE I CAN. And, admittedly, I want Thomas/Emmett speedo mud wrestling.